My dear friends,
I would like to apologize to you. These last six months have been rough for me, especially this past week. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to realize how wonderful you all are. I expressed in a previous post that I felt essentially unloved. I received a cold bucket of water on my head and a slap in my face. I am sorry for those whom I have hurt by what I said. I proved to everyone how much I was taking for granted and how much I was overlooking the people who were right in front of me, they have been there the whole time. I am still learning how to love. I have lost friends because I was unwilling to admit how much they cared and then gave up on them. I can only ask for forgiveness.

I wish that I could ever express my appreciation and endearment to each and every one of you.

I love you...

Still feeling like crap. my mind says a different word and I try to resist. It's becoming worse.

Today sucked. It was truly horrible. Here's why. The things that sucked, really sucked, bad. They hit hard. The good things that happened, well they're all of those little things in life that everyone says that you should look to, but in reality it's a strain to make it actually sound like a blessing. "Today I took the car to work and I didn't kill it once!" or "Today I woke up and I was sleeping on my red pillow and red is my favorite color! :)"

Now weigh that against, today I worked for eleven hours straight, with no lunch break, going on half of a dry bagel for breakfast. Work was really great when my stress levels peaked at all time highs and then everything started to break down and stop working. It was great when it took me thirty minutes to get home when normally it takes five. Then I spent the third night in a row home alone because I don't have the balls to drag myself out of this mire of self-pity and depression long enough to do something about my loneliness.

Why does it happen that when I am having a rough day I can bump into friend after friend, randomly, but on the days when I am feeling lower than ever, no one's there, at all? How can I pretend to be doing so well and simultaneously screw my life over?

I don't really want to be lifted out of this depression, It's familiar here. I don't think that I would even know what to do with pure happiness anymore, it's been a while. Quite emo, but as I said before, right now it's true.

The truly pathetic thing is that I might have discovered one of the main causes of much of my sadness, but I'm to stubborn to admit it or to change it. I don't want it to be true.

I'll be better later. Don't search too hard.

Life has just taken a turn for the worst.


my own thoughts scare me.

In my head: I will never be what I want to be. There will never be clarity. There is always someone in front and I seem only to follow. I feel really alone, especially toniught. Especially right now.

Why do I let myself get so pissed off? I knew that it was going to be this way and the I somehow convinced myself that it would go the way that I wanted it to. Of course not. I don't deserve that to happen.

I'm one of those who can be hated.
Fake.
Biased and hypocritical.
At least inside.
Kind of a terrible friend.

There is always someone better than me and people find a need to point that out.

This may sound vain and self-centered, but I don't feel appreciated/loved.
I feel judged/lonely.

This is not a call for pity. This is to vent and to fume and to spew words of angst that are so cliche, they are almost meaningless to everyone except those from whom they come.
because to me they are true. I know that.

So what do I do? What do I want?
How about a friend? I know that I've got friends
But friends that are close to me, both physically and emotionally?
Few if any.
That's a rough statement, but right now it feels true.
Even those whom I feel closest to I still feel separated from.
Distant and unattached.

I don't feel needed. I feel like an afterthought.

Done.

So this isn't the right way to start off a semester. It's like 1:30 and I'm still up. I've got to start preparing better for class this semester. I'm going to start being a good boy. No really. I had an interesting time tonight. I felt like going and visiting some people because I felt like I needed it. They weren't home, so I kept walking around and randomly I thought about another person whom I could visit. Turns out that she needed to talk. I don't know if that happens to anybody else, but it's such a strange feeling.
I had to make some big decisions about this semester and they will keep coming for another couple of weeks. Mainly I'm torn between classes that I want to take and keeping my load light, which I promised myself that I would.
So in order to begin the semester better than I could, it's bed time. Maybe I'll actually wake up and eat breakfast... maybe.

Suddenly everything has changed, life is okay at this very moment. Of course that is a general feeling. There are still so many sucky things in the world. They just aren't as obvious to me. After spending so much time listening to new music and old favorites, I have gone back to some of the hymns and chorales that I have loved since childhood. They bring a measure of peace that is soothing, and rare.
School is looming on the horizion and I still don't know what to expect from this semester. I really don't. I want it to be awesome, but I'm not sure that I have the right classes or even the right amount of credits.
I love old friends though. I wish that I could just spend all day chatting and catching up.

My thoughts don't seem as interesting to express when my mind is calm. Anger is much easier to express than joy. For me anyway.

I wish that I were awesome at something. Something that I just loved so much that I wouldn't even consider doing anything else.

Here's to mediocrity.

I figure if I don't post today, then I won't for another month, since that seems to be the pattern. The storm last night was pretty crazy. We lost our power for about five and a half hours. I was kind of hoping that a neighbors house would get destroyed by the tornado so that I could have some stories to tell people, but no such luck. I've discovered just how black I am on the inside and how white on the outside. I've been using Pandora a lot recently and one of my favorite stations that I've made is actually a rap station based on Deltron 3030. You're thinking "rap? What's wrong with you?" But you would be sorely mistaken. You see, Deltron raps about things like computer viruses and space battles and stuff. I also know that I am supposed to bear the children of We Are Scientists, because they are so awesome, not to mention that their music videos are by the Lonely Island guys. Other than my distractions, I have so much anxiety in my life I'm ready to explode. Right now I'm really kind of worried about the whole money thing. I have some major expenses coming up (see: Tuition) and very little money to pay them with (see: Broke). So that's all.

I've come to understand why I'm not supposed to donate blood. I had a blood sample taken and almost passed out...again. I mean she only took the tiniest amount and I still lost my vision for about ten minutes. I didn't actually go under but I was right on the edge and I could tell.

I went in to see what my problem is and why I sleep so much. The blood work is to see if it is a problem with my body. I'm hoping for Anemia, because then I'll have an excuse. But if I don't end up having diabetes or something then it's just a problem with my mind. But there is one other possibility that the doctor mentioned. I'm still growing! Talk about your late bloomer. I'm so glad that now, at age nineteen, I've hit puberty. To think that before I was just freakishly tall, but now I'm a man!

Yeah, I'm still kind of bored. Maybe I'll go do something with my life. Maybe not.

I love Pandora.com It supplies me with the endless I.V. drip of new music that I require to stay sane. Maybe one day I'll find and download all of the songs that I have come to love so much, but can never have. Can you hear the desire in my words?

I think that I'll take pictures, in case you were wondering at the time.

Oh yeah, I'm an idiot.

I love modest mouse, I just do. I have a whole bunch of random things going through my head that, I kind of want to say but I don't think that I'm quite ready for many people to see that side of me. Make sense? I'm inwardly feeling like crap, not health-wise, mind-wise. That's the whole purpose of this blog right, so that people can come see how I'm actually feeling, since I would never tell anyone the truth to their face. One of my new favorite movies is the Royal Tenenbaums. I love the style, plus a huge cast of A-list actors. One review said you need to watch the movie twice, once to be dazzled and then again to be moved. It's true.
My grades are in turmoil, we'll say. I never imagined that things could get so bad, but they are. I'm in this constant state of feeling like I'm behind. I just need the world to pause for a second. Let me go catch up and then we'll get moving again.
Keif comes tomorrow, I think that when he's at my house he's going to be bored to tears. But so am I.
I'm nervous because of my actions. It's weird when I do something without really thinking, maybe half-asleep. Then I have to spend the next week trying to figure out why I did that, not to mention what I'm going to about it next. Sometimes the solution seems simple, but I struggle to realize that I need to do that.
I'm realizing that karma exists, and that things I've done and said hurt, then come back and hurt me too. The hurting me part doesn't phase me anymore, simply because I don't care. But in all of this new found apathy I still can't bring myself to be okay with hurting other people. Like everyone, I've said things that I regret. Hypocritical things, stupid things, and hurtful things. So to avoid that I just continue to repress my more serious (depressed?) side, and pretend that everything is puppies and roses with me. Surprise!
I've always talked to myself. Full blown conversations mind you. And I'm starting to notice that these chats are becoming increasingly vulgar. There is also more of a differance in opinions. Meaning: I'm developing two personalities, I think. It's like the shoulder angel thing. One side of me thinks I should try to be good and right my wrongs, then there's the thoughts that tell me not to care. About anything or anyone. Scary, huh? And so develops the strange turmoil that I only seem to be able to release on a blog.

Here's to questions and confusion.

So I'm procrastinating again. This time it's packing for that trip that I've been so excited for because I leave tomorrow!! I am more excited than waffles. I still haven't found out whether I'm anemic or not. That sucks, but I have actually developed some of my pictures and I'm slightly pleased with some of them. Ansel Adams, one of the greatest photographers ever, said something to the effect of "if a photographer creates ten to twelve pictures in a year that actually matter, that's a good year." I'm trying to keep that in mind when I look at my pictures.
Back to the subject, I leave tomorrow. I am so ready (except for packing). Most people don't quite understand why I'm taking a whole month off, they see it as excess, but I understand why. It probably won't turn out like I've got it planned, but there are people that I really need to see. All of the stresses in my life will not disappear, but I'm really hoping that I'll be able to deal with them better at home. Wait, that's crap, no I'm not. Whatever.
So then I'm coming back, a time which I'm waiting for and kind of dreading at the same time. Classes and I don't go well together, but there are, again, many people whom I am excited to see again. Well I should my packness on. Plus I need to eat all of my perishables.

I seriously think that something is wrong with me. I'm trying to do my papers that I put off from last term and I honestly can't do them. It's not just distractions that keep me from getting them done like I would assume, I'm actually feeling sick to my stomach. Basically my world has exploded and I have no clue what is going on. I'm starting to think that I have all of these diseases and things that I need to have doctors look at. I am not doing so hot school wise, and it's showing up in my mental health. As always, work basically sucks. I don't do anything with my days. I honestly can't remember what I have accomplished in the last little bit. I get excited when I go grocery shopping and can buy milk. I don't really feel like I have any roommates since I never see them. I just want to come home. I want everything to stop and to be done. Grrrr. The one joy that I was finding in life was photography, but even that has started to feel like a chore to do. I sleep entirely too much, at least twelve hours a night. Which is one of the things that I need to have checked out by a doctor, since my family apparently has a history of being anemic. Sweet. I really am excited to come home, but I still need to be working. So I'm even thinking that I might try to work a second job. I haven't signed any contract for the fall, so I don't have a place to live yet. I'm pretty sick of the Elms, but I love the ward. Then again, most of the ward is also sick of the Elms and are moving as well. So I might move to Acadamy Arms with Matthew. But that means that I have to move again, which I'm already sick of.

So what are some good things in life? I do get paid. It's nice to at least have some semblance of a check filling my coffers every once in a while, unlike all of freshman year. I developed a couple of rolls of film the other day and there were a few pictures that I was actually pleased with. My family is going to be here in a couple of days, and I got off work so that I can go to the reunion with them. I am making friends at church which is good because I like friends. I bought E.L. Fudges and milk last night. That's like two dinners right there. I cooked last night. It's been a while since I actually made anything and I experimented a little with ingredients and it sort of worked. I found another book to read if I find the time. I picked up The Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia). It sounds boring yet good at the same time. I am sleeping twelve hours every night, at least I'm not deprived. I get to go home. I know that I'm beating a dead horse here, but I long for the summer days in MN. They were some of my absolute favorites. I know that it won't be the same as it was or exactly like I am imagining, but it will be fun nonetheless. I got Muse's new album, that should speak for itself.

Ok, so even though this is not a paper, it did get my hands on the keyboard and set my writing juices in motion, I think that might help me a little.

I have discovered a new love in my life and her name is Minolta. I "upgraded" my camera status and now I have a Minolta srTscII (old) it was made back in the eighties and it's completely manual, but that is kind of what I was looking for. I've been a lot happier the past couple of days. I went through a pretty rough bit of stuff with finals, papers, work, moving, and the list goes on. Now I don't have class, I don't have assignments, I feel like I'm starting to get to know this ward, I have a "new" camera, Matthew and I are going to buy a scooter, I'm going home soon, I'm making friends at work, and it's bright and sunny outside. Joy. I finished 1984 finally and now I have to find something else to read. I've been working through some church books, but I really am looking for some with a plot or something. I've considered reading some stuff by John Muir, who was an early environmentalist, and wrote some good books on the majesty of America's forests and parks. I should probably pick up some photography books to help me develop "the eye" a little bit. That's my problem, is that I love photography a lot, but I'm not that good. I guess practice makes perfect, but I'm no natural. that's for sure. Brian I miss you. I really can't wait to get home, I have this idea of just how perfect it's going to be and we'll all be hanging out together non-stop, except for the times when I'm out shooting the beautiful nature that exists in MN. Maybe I'll do some camping or go for a couple of hikes. Then I'll probably end up just sleeping or sitting at the computer. Well I'm off to go be happy.

I want to come home so badly. I've been sitting here putting off a million things for about two hours now. It's been a pretty horrible day, and in some strange twist of fate it's not over yet. I'm really thinking about not staying for summer at all. If I do stay it's only going to be for work, which I'm sick of. I've got basically nothing else keeping me here. I'm not really close to that many people. I don't do anything fun. I'm not productive. I'm just existing at this point and that is my level of awareness. I've been reading a ton compared to what I used to, basically everyday now. I don't even have a place to live for fall, which I'm pretty sure that I'm staying for. That's why I want to come home, I'll just be back in three months anyway. I'd much rather spend that time with people that I feel really close to and who I haven't seen forever. That's it for now, I really need to do these papers.

"He pressed his fingers againgst his eyelids again. He had written it down at last, but it made no difference. The therapy had not worked. The urge to shout filthy words at the top of his voice was as strong as ever."
-1984

Work has continued to suck. So I'm filling my time with stuff that I enjoy. I've rediscovered crosswords and reading. Swimming is still a favorite and now it's the ideal temp for disc. I love to find new music. I'm trying to get cultured in as many ways as I can. So right now I'm rereading A Seperate Peace by John Knowles. I love it because it seems to ring true in so many ways. After that I think that I'm going to pick 1984 by George Orwell. Haven't read it before but I've heard lots. Movie-wise I just rewatched Edward Scissorhands and fell in love with it one more time. I think that The Village, The Hudsucker Proxy, Hero, and some other ones are on the top of my list. Of course I'm going to have to go see X-men. Oh and Life is Beautiful is way up there, my roommates wathced it recently but with no subtitles (they know Italian). I've also noticed a shift in my taste in music. At least it's becoming more defined. It's kind of funny that the bands that I have been listening to recently all have crappy singers, or maybe I'll say that they are an acquired taste. I've been listening to a lot of Modest Mouse, Interpol, We Are Scientists, The Strokes, Weezer, The Bravery, Muse, Dispatch, and so on. Plus I watch the Food Network.

So that all spawned from work sucking.

I'm really kind of pissed off right now. Work has basically been sucking. I'm just about ready to shoot my manager in the head. Well, at least now I'm getting paid and I'm in favor with everyone else in the store. I hate the corporation aspect of it, plus the not having a car and yet having to yield to everyone's whims. Now I have to work Sunday again because of some crap rule that Chris made up, using stupid logic to reach a dumb conclusion. Considering work is about three quarters of my life right now, it's stupid. I've been getting pissed off a lot recently. A lot of people are doing stupid crap. Not to mention that most of my friends from college have gone home and all of my friends from home are not here, I'm missing a lot of people. And the library is closing, I thought it was open for another two hours. Okay. I'll go write my paper at home, and fume and vent.

I don't expect anyone to read all of that last post, but I needed it.

I was being really introspective the other day and I just felt like writing so I did. I contemplated and I delved semi-deep. Some of the things that I came up with are phrased a little weird and some of the thoughts that I had were kind of strange. I figure that even though I wrote this on paper first, it was basically worth putting up because this is how I still feel:

"Today is gorgeous. I'm sitting at a park in Kaysville and everything seems right in the world. The shadows are getting long and there's a slight breeze in the air. Everything in the path of the sun is glowing. The sounds remind me of home, a concept that I'll have to adapt as I grow older."

"I've been thinking about Kevin. How does it work? Are he and Mr. Boline chatting? Brian asked a question. What have I done with the extra 1 1/2 years I've been alive? How is it that I'm forgetting Kevin? Life could just stop for a second. I could go home and just cry with Brian. I would talk with Pam for hours. I would go to Barn Bluff and I would relive the whole experience. I still think about the call that I got from Catherine when we were sitting in the station. That's when I really realized that the rest of the world had kept going and that nobody knew yet. How did Pam react when she found our? She seemed so strong whenever I saw her. What did Mom and Dad think about me? I wish that I could see everything from all points of view. I wish that Brian and I wouldn't have fought. I wish that I had opened up more. I wish that I could remember more that happened. I wish that I would never forget, but I know that it's inevitable." "I wish that I could have opened my eyes and spent my time with Brian, put him first in everything. He was my best friend and yet there is so much about him that I feel I never knew. My life was too structured. I missed out. I didn't take risks. I was too worried about what everyone would think, about what my parents would say. I'm pretty sure that I was wrong about what the thought. So...."


"So now I'm here, sitting, writing, remembering...
It's alright, life"

"It's good, but I'm going to make it better..."


I felt like I needed to put a disclaimer on the above crap, but why should I? That's how I felt, right? I really do have some regrets about high school and my first year of college. I really do miss Kevin a lot, even if for some reason he is fading farther from my memory. I really do think a lot about the day that he died. I really do want to start living my life more fully, in honor of him or for him. I think sometimes about him falling, what it was like, what he thought, how it felt. Did he smile? Did he understand? Was he scared? Why did he fall? Did it hurt? I feel like everyone has come to grips with this a lot easier than I am. Sometimes I feel like this affects me too much after a year and a half and that I should have been perfectly okay with what happened, but I'm not. It still hurts and I still miss him.

I replay it a lot in my head. I want another chance. I want to do it differently. I want to be a better friend to him, I want to stop him from going, or grab him as he slips, or to catch at the bottom, I want to save him, give him the chance to live, change life, take away all of the pain, the loss. It would change us, it would be so different. I felt so helpless, unable to do anything to make it better. All that we could do was cry, comfort each other, sit down and just try to understand. I tried to be strong, but I had no clue what was going on, this had never happened before. The police, asking questions, pulling me aside because I looked like I could give them answers, I did. I tried to pack, I didn't care though, I had no clue what I was doing. They covered him up so that we couldn't see his body. I still see him in the van on the way up turning around to show me his magazine, pointing out all of the trails he wanted to run and all the mountains he would climb, all the plans he had, the excitement in his face. The excitement he had when he saw that my sister had made us cookies. It was so cloudy and wet and cold, why did we love to climb so much. I fell asleep on the way home, it felt better than being awake. Tears came again when I had to retell the police. Sitting in a room, we were separated from everything, life, time, people, all that came was pain, confusion, like a dream. Parents came and it hurt because they hurt, they knew him, well. Nobody was in the station, we were alone, we left unnoticed, it was cloudy. I did answer my phone once, my sister was happy, she had made us more food for when we got back, it hurt, she got concerned and I told her I'd explain things when I got home. Talking hurt.

Home was not appealing, it held the world that didn't know and that was still progressing. Mom was waiting for me, she knew. I cried again as she held me. Goodbyes hurt, I held Brian, he left, his parents left, I had to explain things, the first time of so many. My dad held me, I wanted to be alone, they would have understood, but I left, my bed wasn't helpful, the tears came again. The phone was for me, I knew she would call, I wasn't okay and I told her. It hurt. Lied to my parents and went outside, the house was stuffy, I just sat, in the middle of nowhere, sat, didn't matter, let people see, it kept going through my head, two men standing on a trail on a cloudy day, looking for us but not knowing us, knowing more. We were missing someone, we still are. How bad was it? One was a doctor, it was too serious to be a joke. She arrived, worried, I explained, we cried. Heaven came up, we thought the same, we wondered and pondered, I wanted it to stop, so I went in. Mom and Dad were worried, they didn't know where I was. I joked, I pretended, I stopped thinking, I shouldn't have. The calls came and kept coming, he's dead, I know, I was there, I got angry, the calls kept coming. I didn't want to think about it, go away.

People met to cry, I didn't want to think about it. People worried because I didn't go to cry. I'd didn't want to cry. I had cried all day. I was told that Ethan was hurting, I understood he was there too, he didn't want to leave his room, I understood, he was there, leave him alone. She left and I found my room again, found my bed. The moon was bright. My sister came home, I remembered the call, she hugged me, she knew. I never explained like I promised I would, she just hugged me. It hurt, badly. Emotions made me sleep. No dreams, no rest, just a brief break.

Morning came, people were at the door, they were worried for me, I didn't cry, they left quick. She flew home, we were there to meet her. We hugged, I didn't cry. The school held people who cried, I watched as Brian read the notes, it hurt, he hurt, the tears came. He read on. I sat and cried. There was food, no one ate. The teacher was calm, he said to tell stories of him. We did, for two full hours we laughed at his memories, his humor, his antics, his adventures. We explained to everyone, it hurt. Adults help. The couple who was hiking acted as parents, they didn't know us, they let us cry and call for mothers and just sit. They didn't even know us. The teacher knew what we needed. The teacher knew him well. The teacher inspired, the parents supported. They hurt. We left, we got flowers and visited the mother. She smiled at us, hugged us, how? She smiled. She showed pictures. He was so much to her. They loved. I cried. She was so strong. How? Life blurred, time sped and slowed. Memory fades. We went to church, lit candles, said things, I said things, I tried to understand. I wanted him to be happy. People asked me why it happened, I didn't know, people talked at me, cried at me, I tried to help, I wanted to be strong. I don't know why.

People went for food, we celebrated, multiple times. It was strange, more pain, more tears, and yet more laughter. We fought, over her. She hurt, I wanted to help, I said things to him, I believed it, but shouldn't have said it then. He was angry when he left.

The viewing forced tears. He didn't look right, he had done so much already, why was he lying there like that, he wasn't comfortable. I saw the picture. There he was in the center, always smiling, but not now. That was wrong, he looked sad. His hair was combed, his hands were folded, he wore a suit, it felt wrong. I forced tears, they helped. Another party after. More people hurt. One girl, she wanted help and I gave it. One girl didn't want help, and I tried giving, because it helped, me. School, I got the picture, I never put it away. I wanted to remember. I needed to.
The funeral. Songs and prayers, everyone came, the auditorium was full, It was sunny, he seemed happy. Was he watching? We held hands, all of us, the group. I didn't sit by Brian so I went and found him after, hugged him, just wanted to feel the world stop like it did four days before, it didn't. Tears came.

We went back, the four of us and one other. We hiked up, we saw the place, we saw the beauty that was there. It was sunny, it was warm, he was happy. We missed him.

Life resumed, tears came less, remembrances popped up all over. More people came home and found out. We tried to press on. We did, sort of.

Tonight, tears came again. The picture sits above me, those who see it know little about it. A bracelet on my wrist is there as well. A song plays in the background. Those are physical...


I don't want to forget.

Tears come.



Beautiful remembrance. http://members.sitegadgets.com/kevinlanglie/board/170.html

May angels lead you in.

So now spring term is in limbo. I was sure that I was going to stay here and get some classes out of the way, but apparently I can't make a decision, who knew. Talking to my parents gave me the impression that they want me to come home. I must agree that it is really appealing. I haven't seen my friends for a while and I would really miss them if I did another term. Working is a plan whether here or there, but it would be easier back home if I wasn't in class. Assuming that I'm going on a mission this summer, it would be very helpful to be loaded. That's another reason that I want to come home. If I'm going to be gone for two years, I want to spend some time with my friends and family. Basically no one from out here will be here in the summer so that's not as much of a pull. Brian would probably be a little pissed off if I ended up coming home, since our plans for climbing out west fell through because I am planning on Spring term. I would definitely be good to be making money again and not losing it so often. The great thing about all of this is that I need to decide really, really soon. Hopefully I'll know by tomorrow night, but if not I need to be sure by the beginning of April so that I can get housing.

I still need to ask someone to the masquerade. I don't even know how I'm going to do it, or who I'm going to ask. Grrrr.....

I went to the library today because I had a hankering to read some of the books that we read sophomore year. I picked up Ordinary People and Catcher in the Rye. The funny thing is that I found Catcher in the Rye in the juvenile section!! I don't know if anyone remembers Catcher in the Rye, but I don't think that it was meant to be shelved along with Curious George and Mother Goose. Buncha crazies....

Doing better and worse at the same time. Listening to Postal Service. I feel gross. Choir tonight, it was fun, I love singing, even if I'm not very good. The Heritage invitational is coming up so I guess I should probably ask someone. I'm doing better at keeping in touch with friends. I love music, I just got a whole bunch more, some muse, cake, and some odds and ends. I'm still mad that I can't go to the Guster concert.