I love modest mouse, I just do. I have a whole bunch of random things going through my head that, I kind of want to say but I don't think that I'm quite ready for many people to see that side of me. Make sense? I'm inwardly feeling like crap, not health-wise, mind-wise. That's the whole purpose of this blog right, so that people can come see how I'm actually feeling, since I would never tell anyone the truth to their face. One of my new favorite movies is the Royal Tenenbaums. I love the style, plus a huge cast of A-list actors. One review said you need to watch the movie twice, once to be dazzled and then again to be moved. It's true.
My grades are in turmoil, we'll say. I never imagined that things could get so bad, but they are. I'm in this constant state of feeling like I'm behind. I just need the world to pause for a second. Let me go catch up and then we'll get moving again.
Keif comes tomorrow, I think that when he's at my house he's going to be bored to tears. But so am I.
I'm nervous because of my actions. It's weird when I do something without really thinking, maybe half-asleep. Then I have to spend the next week trying to figure out why I did that, not to mention what I'm going to about it next. Sometimes the solution seems simple, but I struggle to realize that I need to do that.
I'm realizing that karma exists, and that things I've done and said hurt, then come back and hurt me too. The hurting me part doesn't phase me anymore, simply because I don't care. But in all of this new found apathy I still can't bring myself to be okay with hurting other people. Like everyone, I've said things that I regret. Hypocritical things, stupid things, and hurtful things. So to avoid that I just continue to repress my more serious (depressed?) side, and pretend that everything is puppies and roses with me. Surprise!
I've always talked to myself. Full blown conversations mind you. And I'm starting to notice that these chats are becoming increasingly vulgar. There is also more of a differance in opinions. Meaning: I'm developing two personalities, I think. It's like the shoulder angel thing. One side of me thinks I should try to be good and right my wrongs, then there's the thoughts that tell me not to care. About anything or anyone. Scary, huh? And so develops the strange turmoil that I only seem to be able to release on a blog.

Here's to questions and confusion.