In my head: I will never be what I want to be. There will never be clarity. There is always someone in front and I seem only to follow. I feel really alone, especially toniught. Especially right now.

Why do I let myself get so pissed off? I knew that it was going to be this way and the I somehow convinced myself that it would go the way that I wanted it to. Of course not. I don't deserve that to happen.

I'm one of those who can be hated.
Fake.
Biased and hypocritical.
At least inside.
Kind of a terrible friend.

There is always someone better than me and people find a need to point that out.

This may sound vain and self-centered, but I don't feel appreciated/loved.
I feel judged/lonely.

This is not a call for pity. This is to vent and to fume and to spew words of angst that are so cliche, they are almost meaningless to everyone except those from whom they come.
because to me they are true. I know that.

So what do I do? What do I want?
How about a friend? I know that I've got friends
But friends that are close to me, both physically and emotionally?
Few if any.
That's a rough statement, but right now it feels true.
Even those whom I feel closest to I still feel separated from.
Distant and unattached.

I don't feel needed. I feel like an afterthought.

Done.