Still feeling like crap. my mind says a different word and I try to resist. It's becoming worse.

Today sucked. It was truly horrible. Here's why. The things that sucked, really sucked, bad. They hit hard. The good things that happened, well they're all of those little things in life that everyone says that you should look to, but in reality it's a strain to make it actually sound like a blessing. "Today I took the car to work and I didn't kill it once!" or "Today I woke up and I was sleeping on my red pillow and red is my favorite color! :)"

Now weigh that against, today I worked for eleven hours straight, with no lunch break, going on half of a dry bagel for breakfast. Work was really great when my stress levels peaked at all time highs and then everything started to break down and stop working. It was great when it took me thirty minutes to get home when normally it takes five. Then I spent the third night in a row home alone because I don't have the balls to drag myself out of this mire of self-pity and depression long enough to do something about my loneliness.

Why does it happen that when I am having a rough day I can bump into friend after friend, randomly, but on the days when I am feeling lower than ever, no one's there, at all? How can I pretend to be doing so well and simultaneously screw my life over?

I don't really want to be lifted out of this depression, It's familiar here. I don't think that I would even know what to do with pure happiness anymore, it's been a while. Quite emo, but as I said before, right now it's true.

The truly pathetic thing is that I might have discovered one of the main causes of much of my sadness, but I'm to stubborn to admit it or to change it. I don't want it to be true.

I'll be better later. Don't search too hard.