So I'm procrastinating again. This time it's packing for that trip that I've been so excited for because I leave tomorrow!! I am more excited than waffles. I still haven't found out whether I'm anemic or not. That sucks, but I have actually developed some of my pictures and I'm slightly pleased with some of them. Ansel Adams, one of the greatest photographers ever, said something to the effect of "if a photographer creates ten to twelve pictures in a year that actually matter, that's a good year." I'm trying to keep that in mind when I look at my pictures.
Back to the subject, I leave tomorrow. I am so ready (except for packing). Most people don't quite understand why I'm taking a whole month off, they see it as excess, but I understand why. It probably won't turn out like I've got it planned, but there are people that I really need to see. All of the stresses in my life will not disappear, but I'm really hoping that I'll be able to deal with them better at home. Wait, that's crap, no I'm not. Whatever.
So then I'm coming back, a time which I'm waiting for and kind of dreading at the same time. Classes and I don't go well together, but there are, again, many people whom I am excited to see again. Well I should my packness on. Plus I need to eat all of my perishables.

I seriously think that something is wrong with me. I'm trying to do my papers that I put off from last term and I honestly can't do them. It's not just distractions that keep me from getting them done like I would assume, I'm actually feeling sick to my stomach. Basically my world has exploded and I have no clue what is going on. I'm starting to think that I have all of these diseases and things that I need to have doctors look at. I am not doing so hot school wise, and it's showing up in my mental health. As always, work basically sucks. I don't do anything with my days. I honestly can't remember what I have accomplished in the last little bit. I get excited when I go grocery shopping and can buy milk. I don't really feel like I have any roommates since I never see them. I just want to come home. I want everything to stop and to be done. Grrrr. The one joy that I was finding in life was photography, but even that has started to feel like a chore to do. I sleep entirely too much, at least twelve hours a night. Which is one of the things that I need to have checked out by a doctor, since my family apparently has a history of being anemic. Sweet. I really am excited to come home, but I still need to be working. So I'm even thinking that I might try to work a second job. I haven't signed any contract for the fall, so I don't have a place to live yet. I'm pretty sick of the Elms, but I love the ward. Then again, most of the ward is also sick of the Elms and are moving as well. So I might move to Acadamy Arms with Matthew. But that means that I have to move again, which I'm already sick of.

So what are some good things in life? I do get paid. It's nice to at least have some semblance of a check filling my coffers every once in a while, unlike all of freshman year. I developed a couple of rolls of film the other day and there were a few pictures that I was actually pleased with. My family is going to be here in a couple of days, and I got off work so that I can go to the reunion with them. I am making friends at church which is good because I like friends. I bought E.L. Fudges and milk last night. That's like two dinners right there. I cooked last night. It's been a while since I actually made anything and I experimented a little with ingredients and it sort of worked. I found another book to read if I find the time. I picked up The Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia). It sounds boring yet good at the same time. I am sleeping twelve hours every night, at least I'm not deprived. I get to go home. I know that I'm beating a dead horse here, but I long for the summer days in MN. They were some of my absolute favorites. I know that it won't be the same as it was or exactly like I am imagining, but it will be fun nonetheless. I got Muse's new album, that should speak for itself.

Ok, so even though this is not a paper, it did get my hands on the keyboard and set my writing juices in motion, I think that might help me a little.

I have discovered a new love in my life and her name is Minolta. I "upgraded" my camera status and now I have a Minolta srTscII (old) it was made back in the eighties and it's completely manual, but that is kind of what I was looking for. I've been a lot happier the past couple of days. I went through a pretty rough bit of stuff with finals, papers, work, moving, and the list goes on. Now I don't have class, I don't have assignments, I feel like I'm starting to get to know this ward, I have a "new" camera, Matthew and I are going to buy a scooter, I'm going home soon, I'm making friends at work, and it's bright and sunny outside. Joy. I finished 1984 finally and now I have to find something else to read. I've been working through some church books, but I really am looking for some with a plot or something. I've considered reading some stuff by John Muir, who was an early environmentalist, and wrote some good books on the majesty of America's forests and parks. I should probably pick up some photography books to help me develop "the eye" a little bit. That's my problem, is that I love photography a lot, but I'm not that good. I guess practice makes perfect, but I'm no natural. that's for sure. Brian I miss you. I really can't wait to get home, I have this idea of just how perfect it's going to be and we'll all be hanging out together non-stop, except for the times when I'm out shooting the beautiful nature that exists in MN. Maybe I'll do some camping or go for a couple of hikes. Then I'll probably end up just sleeping or sitting at the computer. Well I'm off to go be happy.

I want to come home so badly. I've been sitting here putting off a million things for about two hours now. It's been a pretty horrible day, and in some strange twist of fate it's not over yet. I'm really thinking about not staying for summer at all. If I do stay it's only going to be for work, which I'm sick of. I've got basically nothing else keeping me here. I'm not really close to that many people. I don't do anything fun. I'm not productive. I'm just existing at this point and that is my level of awareness. I've been reading a ton compared to what I used to, basically everyday now. I don't even have a place to live for fall, which I'm pretty sure that I'm staying for. That's why I want to come home, I'll just be back in three months anyway. I'd much rather spend that time with people that I feel really close to and who I haven't seen forever. That's it for now, I really need to do these papers.

"He pressed his fingers againgst his eyelids again. He had written it down at last, but it made no difference. The therapy had not worked. The urge to shout filthy words at the top of his voice was as strong as ever."
-1984

Work has continued to suck. So I'm filling my time with stuff that I enjoy. I've rediscovered crosswords and reading. Swimming is still a favorite and now it's the ideal temp for disc. I love to find new music. I'm trying to get cultured in as many ways as I can. So right now I'm rereading A Seperate Peace by John Knowles. I love it because it seems to ring true in so many ways. After that I think that I'm going to pick 1984 by George Orwell. Haven't read it before but I've heard lots. Movie-wise I just rewatched Edward Scissorhands and fell in love with it one more time. I think that The Village, The Hudsucker Proxy, Hero, and some other ones are on the top of my list. Of course I'm going to have to go see X-men. Oh and Life is Beautiful is way up there, my roommates wathced it recently but with no subtitles (they know Italian). I've also noticed a shift in my taste in music. At least it's becoming more defined. It's kind of funny that the bands that I have been listening to recently all have crappy singers, or maybe I'll say that they are an acquired taste. I've been listening to a lot of Modest Mouse, Interpol, We Are Scientists, The Strokes, Weezer, The Bravery, Muse, Dispatch, and so on. Plus I watch the Food Network.

So that all spawned from work sucking.

I'm really kind of pissed off right now. Work has basically been sucking. I'm just about ready to shoot my manager in the head. Well, at least now I'm getting paid and I'm in favor with everyone else in the store. I hate the corporation aspect of it, plus the not having a car and yet having to yield to everyone's whims. Now I have to work Sunday again because of some crap rule that Chris made up, using stupid logic to reach a dumb conclusion. Considering work is about three quarters of my life right now, it's stupid. I've been getting pissed off a lot recently. A lot of people are doing stupid crap. Not to mention that most of my friends from college have gone home and all of my friends from home are not here, I'm missing a lot of people. And the library is closing, I thought it was open for another two hours. Okay. I'll go write my paper at home, and fume and vent.

I don't expect anyone to read all of that last post, but I needed it.

I was being really introspective the other day and I just felt like writing so I did. I contemplated and I delved semi-deep. Some of the things that I came up with are phrased a little weird and some of the thoughts that I had were kind of strange. I figure that even though I wrote this on paper first, it was basically worth putting up because this is how I still feel:

"Today is gorgeous. I'm sitting at a park in Kaysville and everything seems right in the world. The shadows are getting long and there's a slight breeze in the air. Everything in the path of the sun is glowing. The sounds remind me of home, a concept that I'll have to adapt as I grow older."

"I've been thinking about Kevin. How does it work? Are he and Mr. Boline chatting? Brian asked a question. What have I done with the extra 1 1/2 years I've been alive? How is it that I'm forgetting Kevin? Life could just stop for a second. I could go home and just cry with Brian. I would talk with Pam for hours. I would go to Barn Bluff and I would relive the whole experience. I still think about the call that I got from Catherine when we were sitting in the station. That's when I really realized that the rest of the world had kept going and that nobody knew yet. How did Pam react when she found our? She seemed so strong whenever I saw her. What did Mom and Dad think about me? I wish that I could see everything from all points of view. I wish that Brian and I wouldn't have fought. I wish that I had opened up more. I wish that I could remember more that happened. I wish that I would never forget, but I know that it's inevitable." "I wish that I could have opened my eyes and spent my time with Brian, put him first in everything. He was my best friend and yet there is so much about him that I feel I never knew. My life was too structured. I missed out. I didn't take risks. I was too worried about what everyone would think, about what my parents would say. I'm pretty sure that I was wrong about what the thought. So...."


"So now I'm here, sitting, writing, remembering...
It's alright, life"

"It's good, but I'm going to make it better..."


I felt like I needed to put a disclaimer on the above crap, but why should I? That's how I felt, right? I really do have some regrets about high school and my first year of college. I really do miss Kevin a lot, even if for some reason he is fading farther from my memory. I really do think a lot about the day that he died. I really do want to start living my life more fully, in honor of him or for him. I think sometimes about him falling, what it was like, what he thought, how it felt. Did he smile? Did he understand? Was he scared? Why did he fall? Did it hurt? I feel like everyone has come to grips with this a lot easier than I am. Sometimes I feel like this affects me too much after a year and a half and that I should have been perfectly okay with what happened, but I'm not. It still hurts and I still miss him.

I replay it a lot in my head. I want another chance. I want to do it differently. I want to be a better friend to him, I want to stop him from going, or grab him as he slips, or to catch at the bottom, I want to save him, give him the chance to live, change life, take away all of the pain, the loss. It would change us, it would be so different. I felt so helpless, unable to do anything to make it better. All that we could do was cry, comfort each other, sit down and just try to understand. I tried to be strong, but I had no clue what was going on, this had never happened before. The police, asking questions, pulling me aside because I looked like I could give them answers, I did. I tried to pack, I didn't care though, I had no clue what I was doing. They covered him up so that we couldn't see his body. I still see him in the van on the way up turning around to show me his magazine, pointing out all of the trails he wanted to run and all the mountains he would climb, all the plans he had, the excitement in his face. The excitement he had when he saw that my sister had made us cookies. It was so cloudy and wet and cold, why did we love to climb so much. I fell asleep on the way home, it felt better than being awake. Tears came again when I had to retell the police. Sitting in a room, we were separated from everything, life, time, people, all that came was pain, confusion, like a dream. Parents came and it hurt because they hurt, they knew him, well. Nobody was in the station, we were alone, we left unnoticed, it was cloudy. I did answer my phone once, my sister was happy, she had made us more food for when we got back, it hurt, she got concerned and I told her I'd explain things when I got home. Talking hurt.

Home was not appealing, it held the world that didn't know and that was still progressing. Mom was waiting for me, she knew. I cried again as she held me. Goodbyes hurt, I held Brian, he left, his parents left, I had to explain things, the first time of so many. My dad held me, I wanted to be alone, they would have understood, but I left, my bed wasn't helpful, the tears came again. The phone was for me, I knew she would call, I wasn't okay and I told her. It hurt. Lied to my parents and went outside, the house was stuffy, I just sat, in the middle of nowhere, sat, didn't matter, let people see, it kept going through my head, two men standing on a trail on a cloudy day, looking for us but not knowing us, knowing more. We were missing someone, we still are. How bad was it? One was a doctor, it was too serious to be a joke. She arrived, worried, I explained, we cried. Heaven came up, we thought the same, we wondered and pondered, I wanted it to stop, so I went in. Mom and Dad were worried, they didn't know where I was. I joked, I pretended, I stopped thinking, I shouldn't have. The calls came and kept coming, he's dead, I know, I was there, I got angry, the calls kept coming. I didn't want to think about it, go away.

People met to cry, I didn't want to think about it. People worried because I didn't go to cry. I'd didn't want to cry. I had cried all day. I was told that Ethan was hurting, I understood he was there too, he didn't want to leave his room, I understood, he was there, leave him alone. She left and I found my room again, found my bed. The moon was bright. My sister came home, I remembered the call, she hugged me, she knew. I never explained like I promised I would, she just hugged me. It hurt, badly. Emotions made me sleep. No dreams, no rest, just a brief break.

Morning came, people were at the door, they were worried for me, I didn't cry, they left quick. She flew home, we were there to meet her. We hugged, I didn't cry. The school held people who cried, I watched as Brian read the notes, it hurt, he hurt, the tears came. He read on. I sat and cried. There was food, no one ate. The teacher was calm, he said to tell stories of him. We did, for two full hours we laughed at his memories, his humor, his antics, his adventures. We explained to everyone, it hurt. Adults help. The couple who was hiking acted as parents, they didn't know us, they let us cry and call for mothers and just sit. They didn't even know us. The teacher knew what we needed. The teacher knew him well. The teacher inspired, the parents supported. They hurt. We left, we got flowers and visited the mother. She smiled at us, hugged us, how? She smiled. She showed pictures. He was so much to her. They loved. I cried. She was so strong. How? Life blurred, time sped and slowed. Memory fades. We went to church, lit candles, said things, I said things, I tried to understand. I wanted him to be happy. People asked me why it happened, I didn't know, people talked at me, cried at me, I tried to help, I wanted to be strong. I don't know why.

People went for food, we celebrated, multiple times. It was strange, more pain, more tears, and yet more laughter. We fought, over her. She hurt, I wanted to help, I said things to him, I believed it, but shouldn't have said it then. He was angry when he left.

The viewing forced tears. He didn't look right, he had done so much already, why was he lying there like that, he wasn't comfortable. I saw the picture. There he was in the center, always smiling, but not now. That was wrong, he looked sad. His hair was combed, his hands were folded, he wore a suit, it felt wrong. I forced tears, they helped. Another party after. More people hurt. One girl, she wanted help and I gave it. One girl didn't want help, and I tried giving, because it helped, me. School, I got the picture, I never put it away. I wanted to remember. I needed to.
The funeral. Songs and prayers, everyone came, the auditorium was full, It was sunny, he seemed happy. Was he watching? We held hands, all of us, the group. I didn't sit by Brian so I went and found him after, hugged him, just wanted to feel the world stop like it did four days before, it didn't. Tears came.

We went back, the four of us and one other. We hiked up, we saw the place, we saw the beauty that was there. It was sunny, it was warm, he was happy. We missed him.

Life resumed, tears came less, remembrances popped up all over. More people came home and found out. We tried to press on. We did, sort of.

Tonight, tears came again. The picture sits above me, those who see it know little about it. A bracelet on my wrist is there as well. A song plays in the background. Those are physical...


I don't want to forget.

Tears come.



Beautiful remembrance. http://members.sitegadgets.com/kevinlanglie/board/170.html

May angels lead you in.

So now spring term is in limbo. I was sure that I was going to stay here and get some classes out of the way, but apparently I can't make a decision, who knew. Talking to my parents gave me the impression that they want me to come home. I must agree that it is really appealing. I haven't seen my friends for a while and I would really miss them if I did another term. Working is a plan whether here or there, but it would be easier back home if I wasn't in class. Assuming that I'm going on a mission this summer, it would be very helpful to be loaded. That's another reason that I want to come home. If I'm going to be gone for two years, I want to spend some time with my friends and family. Basically no one from out here will be here in the summer so that's not as much of a pull. Brian would probably be a little pissed off if I ended up coming home, since our plans for climbing out west fell through because I am planning on Spring term. I would definitely be good to be making money again and not losing it so often. The great thing about all of this is that I need to decide really, really soon. Hopefully I'll know by tomorrow night, but if not I need to be sure by the beginning of April so that I can get housing.

I still need to ask someone to the masquerade. I don't even know how I'm going to do it, or who I'm going to ask. Grrrr.....

I went to the library today because I had a hankering to read some of the books that we read sophomore year. I picked up Ordinary People and Catcher in the Rye. The funny thing is that I found Catcher in the Rye in the juvenile section!! I don't know if anyone remembers Catcher in the Rye, but I don't think that it was meant to be shelved along with Curious George and Mother Goose. Buncha crazies....

Doing better and worse at the same time. Listening to Postal Service. I feel gross. Choir tonight, it was fun, I love singing, even if I'm not very good. The Heritage invitational is coming up so I guess I should probably ask someone. I'm doing better at keeping in touch with friends. I love music, I just got a whole bunch more, some muse, cake, and some odds and ends. I'm still mad that I can't go to the Guster concert.

I was not productive today, kinda sucks. I was all excited to be a better student and to get all of my homework done... nope. Two tests this week neither of which I am prepared for. Touring was kind of interesting today. I got to sleep in the car and it made me happy.

Learning some deep stuff about some distant people. I really like it. I made a little promise that I was going to keep in touch with people from back home. I'm doing better, but I'm not there yet. I miss my friends from home, and it's really starting to set in that people are moving on and growing up. This semester is getting near the downhill slide, and I'm really sad. Basically all of my friends will be on missions within a month after the semester is over. I'm staying for spring term hopefully, which is what I need to do, but it's sad. I can't go home to see my old friends and my newer friends won't be here.

I hope that I can make it...

I would like to say that I officially hate Ogden, UT. We're touring there for about a month, which means that I need to be out the door before six in the morning. How did I ever do seminary?
Kind of felt like crap this morning. Missed Book of Mormon again. I've missed it so much that I don't think that I'll ever be able to get a good grade in that class. I've mad commitments to myself though that I'll get caught up and stay on top of my work. We'll see how that goes. Not doing so well already.
The weekend was a lot of fun. Preference was Friday night and I had a great time. The DJ basically sucked, but my date made up for that. She was a lot of fun, so there? Other than that I guess that the weekend actually sucked. So I revise my earlier statement that the weekend was a lot of fun.
So life is at equilibrium, we'll say that at least.
Well, shower, homework, then bed.

So I figure, since I've had this thing since about November, I should probably get going on it. I guess the thing to do with these is to comment on what's going on in life and mention how my mental and emotional health is faring.

I got to go swimming quite a few times during the past couple of weeks. I wanted to do a biatholon this Saturday, but I think that it's a little late to sign-up. That's actually the excuse that I use when I don't want to tell people that I'm really out of shape. I keep promising myself that I'll start something on the order of a daily exercise, but that never works.

I kind of feel like crap right now. I'm such a slacker. It's quite pathetic. I'm not doing my homework like I should. I'm just floating for now. I'm kind of worried about how I've treated some people. Whether or not they even care what happens to me now.

But the sun will shine...