My dear friends,
I would like to apologize to you. These last six months have been rough for me, especially this past week. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to realize how wonderful you all are. I expressed in a previous post that I felt essentially unloved. I received a cold bucket of water on my head and a slap in my face. I am sorry for those whom I have hurt by what I said. I proved to everyone how much I was taking for granted and how much I was overlooking the people who were right in front of me, they have been there the whole time. I am still learning how to love. I have lost friends because I was unwilling to admit how much they cared and then gave up on them. I can only ask for forgiveness.

I wish that I could ever express my appreciation and endearment to each and every one of you.

I love you...

Still feeling like crap. my mind says a different word and I try to resist. It's becoming worse.

Today sucked. It was truly horrible. Here's why. The things that sucked, really sucked, bad. They hit hard. The good things that happened, well they're all of those little things in life that everyone says that you should look to, but in reality it's a strain to make it actually sound like a blessing. "Today I took the car to work and I didn't kill it once!" or "Today I woke up and I was sleeping on my red pillow and red is my favorite color! :)"

Now weigh that against, today I worked for eleven hours straight, with no lunch break, going on half of a dry bagel for breakfast. Work was really great when my stress levels peaked at all time highs and then everything started to break down and stop working. It was great when it took me thirty minutes to get home when normally it takes five. Then I spent the third night in a row home alone because I don't have the balls to drag myself out of this mire of self-pity and depression long enough to do something about my loneliness.

Why does it happen that when I am having a rough day I can bump into friend after friend, randomly, but on the days when I am feeling lower than ever, no one's there, at all? How can I pretend to be doing so well and simultaneously screw my life over?

I don't really want to be lifted out of this depression, It's familiar here. I don't think that I would even know what to do with pure happiness anymore, it's been a while. Quite emo, but as I said before, right now it's true.

The truly pathetic thing is that I might have discovered one of the main causes of much of my sadness, but I'm to stubborn to admit it or to change it. I don't want it to be true.

I'll be better later. Don't search too hard.

Life has just taken a turn for the worst.


my own thoughts scare me.

In my head: I will never be what I want to be. There will never be clarity. There is always someone in front and I seem only to follow. I feel really alone, especially toniught. Especially right now.

Why do I let myself get so pissed off? I knew that it was going to be this way and the I somehow convinced myself that it would go the way that I wanted it to. Of course not. I don't deserve that to happen.

I'm one of those who can be hated.
Fake.
Biased and hypocritical.
At least inside.
Kind of a terrible friend.

There is always someone better than me and people find a need to point that out.

This may sound vain and self-centered, but I don't feel appreciated/loved.
I feel judged/lonely.

This is not a call for pity. This is to vent and to fume and to spew words of angst that are so cliche, they are almost meaningless to everyone except those from whom they come.
because to me they are true. I know that.

So what do I do? What do I want?
How about a friend? I know that I've got friends
But friends that are close to me, both physically and emotionally?
Few if any.
That's a rough statement, but right now it feels true.
Even those whom I feel closest to I still feel separated from.
Distant and unattached.

I don't feel needed. I feel like an afterthought.

Done.

So this isn't the right way to start off a semester. It's like 1:30 and I'm still up. I've got to start preparing better for class this semester. I'm going to start being a good boy. No really. I had an interesting time tonight. I felt like going and visiting some people because I felt like I needed it. They weren't home, so I kept walking around and randomly I thought about another person whom I could visit. Turns out that she needed to talk. I don't know if that happens to anybody else, but it's such a strange feeling.
I had to make some big decisions about this semester and they will keep coming for another couple of weeks. Mainly I'm torn between classes that I want to take and keeping my load light, which I promised myself that I would.
So in order to begin the semester better than I could, it's bed time. Maybe I'll actually wake up and eat breakfast... maybe.

Suddenly everything has changed, life is okay at this very moment. Of course that is a general feeling. There are still so many sucky things in the world. They just aren't as obvious to me. After spending so much time listening to new music and old favorites, I have gone back to some of the hymns and chorales that I have loved since childhood. They bring a measure of peace that is soothing, and rare.
School is looming on the horizion and I still don't know what to expect from this semester. I really don't. I want it to be awesome, but I'm not sure that I have the right classes or even the right amount of credits.
I love old friends though. I wish that I could just spend all day chatting and catching up.

My thoughts don't seem as interesting to express when my mind is calm. Anger is much easier to express than joy. For me anyway.

I wish that I were awesome at something. Something that I just loved so much that I wouldn't even consider doing anything else.

Here's to mediocrity.