I figure if I don't post today, then I won't for another month, since that seems to be the pattern. The storm last night was pretty crazy. We lost our power for about five and a half hours. I was kind of hoping that a neighbors house would get destroyed by the tornado so that I could have some stories to tell people, but no such luck. I've discovered just how black I am on the inside and how white on the outside. I've been using Pandora a lot recently and one of my favorite stations that I've made is actually a rap station based on Deltron 3030. You're thinking "rap? What's wrong with you?" But you would be sorely mistaken. You see, Deltron raps about things like computer viruses and space battles and stuff. I also know that I am supposed to bear the children of We Are Scientists, because they are so awesome, not to mention that their music videos are by the Lonely Island guys. Other than my distractions, I have so much anxiety in my life I'm ready to explode. Right now I'm really kind of worried about the whole money thing. I have some major expenses coming up (see: Tuition) and very little money to pay them with (see: Broke). So that's all.

I've come to understand why I'm not supposed to donate blood. I had a blood sample taken and almost passed out...again. I mean she only took the tiniest amount and I still lost my vision for about ten minutes. I didn't actually go under but I was right on the edge and I could tell.

I went in to see what my problem is and why I sleep so much. The blood work is to see if it is a problem with my body. I'm hoping for Anemia, because then I'll have an excuse. But if I don't end up having diabetes or something then it's just a problem with my mind. But there is one other possibility that the doctor mentioned. I'm still growing! Talk about your late bloomer. I'm so glad that now, at age nineteen, I've hit puberty. To think that before I was just freakishly tall, but now I'm a man!

Yeah, I'm still kind of bored. Maybe I'll go do something with my life. Maybe not.

I love Pandora.com It supplies me with the endless I.V. drip of new music that I require to stay sane. Maybe one day I'll find and download all of the songs that I have come to love so much, but can never have. Can you hear the desire in my words?

I think that I'll take pictures, in case you were wondering at the time.

Oh yeah, I'm an idiot.

I love modest mouse, I just do. I have a whole bunch of random things going through my head that, I kind of want to say but I don't think that I'm quite ready for many people to see that side of me. Make sense? I'm inwardly feeling like crap, not health-wise, mind-wise. That's the whole purpose of this blog right, so that people can come see how I'm actually feeling, since I would never tell anyone the truth to their face. One of my new favorite movies is the Royal Tenenbaums. I love the style, plus a huge cast of A-list actors. One review said you need to watch the movie twice, once to be dazzled and then again to be moved. It's true.
My grades are in turmoil, we'll say. I never imagined that things could get so bad, but they are. I'm in this constant state of feeling like I'm behind. I just need the world to pause for a second. Let me go catch up and then we'll get moving again.
Keif comes tomorrow, I think that when he's at my house he's going to be bored to tears. But so am I.
I'm nervous because of my actions. It's weird when I do something without really thinking, maybe half-asleep. Then I have to spend the next week trying to figure out why I did that, not to mention what I'm going to about it next. Sometimes the solution seems simple, but I struggle to realize that I need to do that.
I'm realizing that karma exists, and that things I've done and said hurt, then come back and hurt me too. The hurting me part doesn't phase me anymore, simply because I don't care. But in all of this new found apathy I still can't bring myself to be okay with hurting other people. Like everyone, I've said things that I regret. Hypocritical things, stupid things, and hurtful things. So to avoid that I just continue to repress my more serious (depressed?) side, and pretend that everything is puppies and roses with me. Surprise!
I've always talked to myself. Full blown conversations mind you. And I'm starting to notice that these chats are becoming increasingly vulgar. There is also more of a differance in opinions. Meaning: I'm developing two personalities, I think. It's like the shoulder angel thing. One side of me thinks I should try to be good and right my wrongs, then there's the thoughts that tell me not to care. About anything or anyone. Scary, huh? And so develops the strange turmoil that I only seem to be able to release on a blog.

Here's to questions and confusion.