I was being really introspective the other day and I just felt like writing so I did. I contemplated and I delved semi-deep. Some of the things that I came up with are phrased a little weird and some of the thoughts that I had were kind of strange. I figure that even though I wrote this on paper first, it was basically worth putting up because this is how I still feel:

"Today is gorgeous. I'm sitting at a park in Kaysville and everything seems right in the world. The shadows are getting long and there's a slight breeze in the air. Everything in the path of the sun is glowing. The sounds remind me of home, a concept that I'll have to adapt as I grow older."

"I've been thinking about Kevin. How does it work? Are he and Mr. Boline chatting? Brian asked a question. What have I done with the extra 1 1/2 years I've been alive? How is it that I'm forgetting Kevin? Life could just stop for a second. I could go home and just cry with Brian. I would talk with Pam for hours. I would go to Barn Bluff and I would relive the whole experience. I still think about the call that I got from Catherine when we were sitting in the station. That's when I really realized that the rest of the world had kept going and that nobody knew yet. How did Pam react when she found our? She seemed so strong whenever I saw her. What did Mom and Dad think about me? I wish that I could see everything from all points of view. I wish that Brian and I wouldn't have fought. I wish that I had opened up more. I wish that I could remember more that happened. I wish that I would never forget, but I know that it's inevitable." "I wish that I could have opened my eyes and spent my time with Brian, put him first in everything. He was my best friend and yet there is so much about him that I feel I never knew. My life was too structured. I missed out. I didn't take risks. I was too worried about what everyone would think, about what my parents would say. I'm pretty sure that I was wrong about what the thought. So...."


"So now I'm here, sitting, writing, remembering...
It's alright, life"

"It's good, but I'm going to make it better..."


I felt like I needed to put a disclaimer on the above crap, but why should I? That's how I felt, right? I really do have some regrets about high school and my first year of college. I really do miss Kevin a lot, even if for some reason he is fading farther from my memory. I really do think a lot about the day that he died. I really do want to start living my life more fully, in honor of him or for him. I think sometimes about him falling, what it was like, what he thought, how it felt. Did he smile? Did he understand? Was he scared? Why did he fall? Did it hurt? I feel like everyone has come to grips with this a lot easier than I am. Sometimes I feel like this affects me too much after a year and a half and that I should have been perfectly okay with what happened, but I'm not. It still hurts and I still miss him.

I replay it a lot in my head. I want another chance. I want to do it differently. I want to be a better friend to him, I want to stop him from going, or grab him as he slips, or to catch at the bottom, I want to save him, give him the chance to live, change life, take away all of the pain, the loss. It would change us, it would be so different. I felt so helpless, unable to do anything to make it better. All that we could do was cry, comfort each other, sit down and just try to understand. I tried to be strong, but I had no clue what was going on, this had never happened before. The police, asking questions, pulling me aside because I looked like I could give them answers, I did. I tried to pack, I didn't care though, I had no clue what I was doing. They covered him up so that we couldn't see his body. I still see him in the van on the way up turning around to show me his magazine, pointing out all of the trails he wanted to run and all the mountains he would climb, all the plans he had, the excitement in his face. The excitement he had when he saw that my sister had made us cookies. It was so cloudy and wet and cold, why did we love to climb so much. I fell asleep on the way home, it felt better than being awake. Tears came again when I had to retell the police. Sitting in a room, we were separated from everything, life, time, people, all that came was pain, confusion, like a dream. Parents came and it hurt because they hurt, they knew him, well. Nobody was in the station, we were alone, we left unnoticed, it was cloudy. I did answer my phone once, my sister was happy, she had made us more food for when we got back, it hurt, she got concerned and I told her I'd explain things when I got home. Talking hurt.

Home was not appealing, it held the world that didn't know and that was still progressing. Mom was waiting for me, she knew. I cried again as she held me. Goodbyes hurt, I held Brian, he left, his parents left, I had to explain things, the first time of so many. My dad held me, I wanted to be alone, they would have understood, but I left, my bed wasn't helpful, the tears came again. The phone was for me, I knew she would call, I wasn't okay and I told her. It hurt. Lied to my parents and went outside, the house was stuffy, I just sat, in the middle of nowhere, sat, didn't matter, let people see, it kept going through my head, two men standing on a trail on a cloudy day, looking for us but not knowing us, knowing more. We were missing someone, we still are. How bad was it? One was a doctor, it was too serious to be a joke. She arrived, worried, I explained, we cried. Heaven came up, we thought the same, we wondered and pondered, I wanted it to stop, so I went in. Mom and Dad were worried, they didn't know where I was. I joked, I pretended, I stopped thinking, I shouldn't have. The calls came and kept coming, he's dead, I know, I was there, I got angry, the calls kept coming. I didn't want to think about it, go away.

People met to cry, I didn't want to think about it. People worried because I didn't go to cry. I'd didn't want to cry. I had cried all day. I was told that Ethan was hurting, I understood he was there too, he didn't want to leave his room, I understood, he was there, leave him alone. She left and I found my room again, found my bed. The moon was bright. My sister came home, I remembered the call, she hugged me, she knew. I never explained like I promised I would, she just hugged me. It hurt, badly. Emotions made me sleep. No dreams, no rest, just a brief break.

Morning came, people were at the door, they were worried for me, I didn't cry, they left quick. She flew home, we were there to meet her. We hugged, I didn't cry. The school held people who cried, I watched as Brian read the notes, it hurt, he hurt, the tears came. He read on. I sat and cried. There was food, no one ate. The teacher was calm, he said to tell stories of him. We did, for two full hours we laughed at his memories, his humor, his antics, his adventures. We explained to everyone, it hurt. Adults help. The couple who was hiking acted as parents, they didn't know us, they let us cry and call for mothers and just sit. They didn't even know us. The teacher knew what we needed. The teacher knew him well. The teacher inspired, the parents supported. They hurt. We left, we got flowers and visited the mother. She smiled at us, hugged us, how? She smiled. She showed pictures. He was so much to her. They loved. I cried. She was so strong. How? Life blurred, time sped and slowed. Memory fades. We went to church, lit candles, said things, I said things, I tried to understand. I wanted him to be happy. People asked me why it happened, I didn't know, people talked at me, cried at me, I tried to help, I wanted to be strong. I don't know why.

People went for food, we celebrated, multiple times. It was strange, more pain, more tears, and yet more laughter. We fought, over her. She hurt, I wanted to help, I said things to him, I believed it, but shouldn't have said it then. He was angry when he left.

The viewing forced tears. He didn't look right, he had done so much already, why was he lying there like that, he wasn't comfortable. I saw the picture. There he was in the center, always smiling, but not now. That was wrong, he looked sad. His hair was combed, his hands were folded, he wore a suit, it felt wrong. I forced tears, they helped. Another party after. More people hurt. One girl, she wanted help and I gave it. One girl didn't want help, and I tried giving, because it helped, me. School, I got the picture, I never put it away. I wanted to remember. I needed to.
The funeral. Songs and prayers, everyone came, the auditorium was full, It was sunny, he seemed happy. Was he watching? We held hands, all of us, the group. I didn't sit by Brian so I went and found him after, hugged him, just wanted to feel the world stop like it did four days before, it didn't. Tears came.

We went back, the four of us and one other. We hiked up, we saw the place, we saw the beauty that was there. It was sunny, it was warm, he was happy. We missed him.

Life resumed, tears came less, remembrances popped up all over. More people came home and found out. We tried to press on. We did, sort of.

Tonight, tears came again. The picture sits above me, those who see it know little about it. A bracelet on my wrist is there as well. A song plays in the background. Those are physical...


I don't want to forget.

Tears come.



Beautiful remembrance. http://members.sitegadgets.com/kevinlanglie/board/170.html

May angels lead you in.