I make this post for my friends. I do not know who still reads these posts, but I would especially like this one to be read. Today, on a whim, driven by curiosity or by some other means, I decided to look up "Mormon" on YouTube. What I got was what I should have expected. There was video after video which insulted and ripped apart a faith that has been such a powerful and positive influence in my life. This was not so much angering as it was saddening. I watched very few of the videos, but I found a common thread between all of them. Every single one had an accusing and hateful tone. It was argumentative and spiteful.
Then about halfway down the second or third page I found a video that described itself as the testimony of Gordon B. Hinkley, the current leader of my church. It was a section from a longer video that I had seen many times before, especially in the early morning seminary that I attended. I decided that I would watch it. What a change I felt. The tone of the video was one of peace and calm. I immediately felt at peace, and I was deeply touched by the message that I heard, even though I had heard it so many times prior.
What made me so sad was the juxtaposition of these videos. How there is still so much confusion in the world. How people can be so hateful towards something that has brought peace and comfort to lives of millions. I have seen it, both in my own life and in the life of some of those dearest to me.
I understand that some of my dear friends who might be reading this do not have the same beliefs that I do. I understand that some do not believe in God, and I have no right to tell you what to believe. I truly hope that what I have said and what I will say will not come of as preachy or condemning. I do not wish that at all.
What I would like is for the understanding and acceptance of those whom I love. You see, it entered my mind that there is a chance that this confusion or even this hatred that I found in numerous videos might be amongst my friends, a term I do not wish to use lightly. I do not mean to say that you hate me or that you hate any Mormon. However, that does not mean that you understand how much I love this church and what it has done for me.
Please, I do not try to sound accusatory. Any lack of understanding on your part is due to a failure of communication on my part. I try to avoid forcing religious conversations on anyone because I value your companionship more than anything, and it would devastate me to lose any friend because of some religious agenda. But again, that does not mean I don't desire to share some of my thoughts with you.
So this is what I ask of you. To my friends who aren't Mormon, and even to those who are, would you sacrifice a little time for me? The video that I mentioned above truly is one that I hold dear to my heart. It is a compilation of the leaders of my church bearing their testimonies on various aspects of my beliefs. It is not a long video, it is all on YouTube. It can be found by searching for "Special Witnesses of Christ." It is in fifteen or so parts, each individual one has a certain power and spirit to it. What I hope is that you will watch it, the whole thing, and while watching you will try to understand a little better where I am coming from and what I believe in. I hope you come to understand a little my belief in the power of spiritual things. I hope that you will watch it with an open heart. And, lastly, I would hope that you will feel comfortable asking me about anything. No matter what the question, I hope that you will allow me to try to clear any confusion you may have.

Again, I hope that you do not feel that I am pushing you to do anything that you would rather not do. But I do ask that you would do this thing for me. I wish that was able to be there with you. And I do love you, I understand that this word has lost meaning, I understand that this is not the desired medium for telling you, but when I think on each one of you, all I can think of is love. I will see you soon.

Christian

Avoiding things is weird, especially since for me it just brings more stress and pain into my life. So why do I do it? I think that if I can answer that question life will become a lot easier. I'm getting to the point where I know that I'm avoiding something and I say "you're avoiding something... yeah let's do it anyway." That's a bad thing.

Technically I think I'm avoiding bed right now so that I don't have to face my obligations tomorrow. But I love tomorrow. I actually have some relaxation planned. So back to my original statement. Avoiding things is weird. Why am I avoiding progression to something that I enjoy?

Bands I currently love:
Matthew Dear
Burial
Menomena
Krishna Das
Daft Punk

Plus all the ones that I've already loved forever.

Today was good. I'm loving learning, even if it's not something that I normally would enjoy. I'm currently reading a book on absurdist theatre. I'm finding joy in listening to kirtans which I think are loosely translated as Hindu hymns.

I'm pretty homesick, but I usually get this way about now. I think that I'll be able to make it.

It's always a pleasure to get a compliment. Especially from someone who is considered an authority.

I've been having weird thoughts. Like: Why is it so easy to write when I am angry, but when I am happy I don't find the words flowing so quickly. Is anger based in the left-brain and joy based in the right-brain?

You see, things like that have been popping up in my head.

So, I try to accept responsibility for my actions, and I try to accept responsibility in life.

Time to be responsible.

Sometimes I wonder what things in life are connected. Today was absolutely gorgeous. I woke up early this morning and saw the sunrise (unfortunately no pictures because I had to go to work... we'll talk about irony later). It was one of the most beautiful scenes that I've seen in a long time. All of the mountains had just enough snow to turn them white, but not enough to completely drown out some of the fall foliage that has stuck around. And of course the dramatic lighting coming through big puffy clouds helped the situation. All in all it was wonderful. And so I wonder, is there a reason that I saw this today? This, the day above all others where Kevin comes back to our minds. Of course I've thought a lot about Kevin's death in the past three years and I've wrote a few of my feelings and ideas, so I will try not to be too repetitive. But is it possible that today we are supposed to be reminded of beauty rather than tragedy? Maybe that sunrise was chosen especially for me. Maybe, it was just chance. What is connected. I have the belief that a loving God is involved in my life, but how involved is always a question for me. I'm not sure where I stand on the level of involvement. Does He care if I forget to brush my teeth in the morning? Does He influence whether I make it into a play or not? Does He give me sunrise on a day of mourning? Do the answers to those questions change day by day? Eternal perspective and spiritual understanding in life are hard for me to grasp sometimes.

I hope that I am not coming across as someone who is entirely lost and faithless. Actually, today I feel quite sure of some things. I feel very at peace and these questions that are arising aren't bothersome to me. They are things that maybe I'll never know or need to know. I've always thought that religion is so personal in it's development and practice, that many times it is hard to make blanket statements about things. Maybe God is in every detail of my life because I need him to be, and maybe other people are better at life and He just gives them minor corrections here and there.

As for Kevin. Three years have passed now, and I feel that I have progressed in my own healing. I do believe in an afterlife, and I think that it will be wonderful. I think that it will be like one big class reunion up there, we'll laugh and hug and catch up. It is a good thing to see that I have stopped associating Kevin so much with death, that I have started thinking about seeing him again. I think that I will. The thing that I do regret the most is that my memory of him is fading. There are so very few times that I can remember about him. The things that we did together are becoming fainter and for better or worse, he may become solely a part of the afterlife for me.

And that's where three years has brought me to.

I've decided to post today so that I can set an unprecedented record of nine posts in one month! That's a record that I may be able to beat, but I fear that if I try to force myself to write then the content will become repetitive and it won't be heartfelt. I hope that is how I come across, heartfelt. I hope that you feel that I am really divulging my inner feelings and deepest secrets to you. Oh here's something new, I'll post a picture!

<--Butterfly this image is protected under copyrights.

Oh a heart is a pocket for loose change,
and we scrape and we save and we wait for a raise.
Rhythm by Page France

The difference between general rap and true hip-hop, especially underground, comes from two things as far as I can tell. First there is a much more depth and musicality to the background music. Second comes from the intelligence of the lyrics and the content as well.

It's true I'm really just trying to make myself sound smarter than I really am. But really, the second that you hear a true underground song, the difference is obvious.

I thought about this because I heard an awesome line and it needs to be shared. Then I thought I may as well start a series of all of my favorite lyrics. However, I don't have them written down, so it may be a post as I hear them thing.

"I was born flirtatious/ jumped out my mom and kissed the nurses faces/ skipped over first base." Hat and Shoes by Musab

I literally laughed out loud. Hope you enjoy these as they come.

It's been a good day. I say that because I don't think that it gets said enough. I'm so quick to see the bad, and to point out how I've been wronged. Yet, when things go right, I'm still focusing on the past and on the terrible things that happened. So take that pessimism.

"When the Savior waits to greet you as you return with honor from your life on this earth and your Heavenly Father wants to encircle you about in the arms of His love, be there."
-Elder Robert D. Hales

I think to this point I've stayed away from religion as the topic of my writings. I don't know if that was in some effort not to alienate those people whom I know who do not share the same beliefs that I do, or whether it has just never really come up all that often. Whatever the reason, I chose to share the above quote because it made a deep impact on me when I read it. I was so touched by the loving imagery that is used. I really hope that it will be like that after death. That there will be a loving friend/savior/relative, someone who has missed me so much that I will just fall into their embrace and never let go. It's a very euphoric dream but I think that is why it will be heaven and not like life as we know it. Full of doubts and confusion.

There is so much potential in life. I'm not living up to mine.

"To have compassion for those who suffer is a human quality which everyone should possess, especially those who have required comfort themselves in the past and have managed to find it in others."
Giovanni Boccaccio's The Decameron