Sometimes I wonder what things in life are connected. Today was absolutely gorgeous. I woke up early this morning and saw the sunrise (unfortunately no pictures because I had to go to work... we'll talk about irony later). It was one of the most beautiful scenes that I've seen in a long time. All of the mountains had just enough snow to turn them white, but not enough to completely drown out some of the fall foliage that has stuck around. And of course the dramatic lighting coming through big puffy clouds helped the situation. All in all it was wonderful. And so I wonder, is there a reason that I saw this today? This, the day above all others where Kevin comes back to our minds. Of course I've thought a lot about Kevin's death in the past three years and I've wrote a few of my feelings and ideas, so I will try not to be too repetitive. But is it possible that today we are supposed to be reminded of beauty rather than tragedy? Maybe that sunrise was chosen especially for me. Maybe, it was just chance. What is connected. I have the belief that a loving God is involved in my life, but how involved is always a question for me. I'm not sure where I stand on the level of involvement. Does He care if I forget to brush my teeth in the morning? Does He influence whether I make it into a play or not? Does He give me sunrise on a day of mourning? Do the answers to those questions change day by day? Eternal perspective and spiritual understanding in life are hard for me to grasp sometimes.

I hope that I am not coming across as someone who is entirely lost and faithless. Actually, today I feel quite sure of some things. I feel very at peace and these questions that are arising aren't bothersome to me. They are things that maybe I'll never know or need to know. I've always thought that religion is so personal in it's development and practice, that many times it is hard to make blanket statements about things. Maybe God is in every detail of my life because I need him to be, and maybe other people are better at life and He just gives them minor corrections here and there.

As for Kevin. Three years have passed now, and I feel that I have progressed in my own healing. I do believe in an afterlife, and I think that it will be wonderful. I think that it will be like one big class reunion up there, we'll laugh and hug and catch up. It is a good thing to see that I have stopped associating Kevin so much with death, that I have started thinking about seeing him again. I think that I will. The thing that I do regret the most is that my memory of him is fading. There are so very few times that I can remember about him. The things that we did together are becoming fainter and for better or worse, he may become solely a part of the afterlife for me.

And that's where three years has brought me to.