As far as energy and motivation go, I'm at zero. So I pull out some music from my past and let it lull me into a peaceful state where I can fret about whatever I so choose. An overwhelming future seems to be destroying my present situation... or maybe that should be the otherway around. Comparison is not something ever suggested by anyone I've talked to and I think that's because when I do compare I see the absolute nature of my predicament. How is it that almost everyone else seems to be progressing to the achievement of some goal? Ironically enough most of the goals and accomplishments seem to be fairly substantial ones at that. And yet I sit here, unable to truly express my feelings in their entirety mostly out of fear. That whole angry at the world scene is only going to work for so long and then I'll have to find some other excuse. I can feel all of that anger and such being directed to just one scapegoat, and like most scapegoats, they have done nothing wrong, or whatever minor infractions they have committed, I should not be bent out of shape about them. As I sit and think I become more and more convinced that there are actually two people inside of me. My whole life is a catch 22. Those whom I want to help aren't there. Those who are there I want to leave and stay out for a bit. It all makes perfect sense to me except for when it doesn't. As one very smart man asked, Why do we do this? Is it just that much easier to be pissed off, sad, feeling worthless? Why does happiness seem so unfamiliar and unattainable. I know that I suck at accepting change, but am I really ruining my life because of it? That's stupid. And of course I can't tell the people that I need to what I'm going through. Of course I can't understand what I need to do to drag myself out of this hole. That or the easy route seems completely unachievable. I feel like a parapalegic trying to rock climb. I can let the rope slowly lower me farther and farther down, I can waste the remaining energy that I have trying to grip to this rock and just hold on for dear life, or I can drag myself up this face of undetermined height with the hope that there will be enough hidden holds to make the feat possible. Coming down is just so easy.