As far as energy and motivation go, I'm at zero. So I pull out some music from my past and let it lull me into a peaceful state where I can fret about whatever I so choose. An overwhelming future seems to be destroying my present situation... or maybe that should be the otherway around. Comparison is not something ever suggested by anyone I've talked to and I think that's because when I do compare I see the absolute nature of my predicament. How is it that almost everyone else seems to be progressing to the achievement of some goal? Ironically enough most of the goals and accomplishments seem to be fairly substantial ones at that. And yet I sit here, unable to truly express my feelings in their entirety mostly out of fear. That whole angry at the world scene is only going to work for so long and then I'll have to find some other excuse. I can feel all of that anger and such being directed to just one scapegoat, and like most scapegoats, they have done nothing wrong, or whatever minor infractions they have committed, I should not be bent out of shape about them. As I sit and think I become more and more convinced that there are actually two people inside of me. My whole life is a catch 22. Those whom I want to help aren't there. Those who are there I want to leave and stay out for a bit. It all makes perfect sense to me except for when it doesn't. As one very smart man asked, Why do we do this? Is it just that much easier to be pissed off, sad, feeling worthless? Why does happiness seem so unfamiliar and unattainable. I know that I suck at accepting change, but am I really ruining my life because of it? That's stupid. And of course I can't tell the people that I need to what I'm going through. Of course I can't understand what I need to do to drag myself out of this hole. That or the easy route seems completely unachievable. I feel like a parapalegic trying to rock climb. I can let the rope slowly lower me farther and farther down, I can waste the remaining energy that I have trying to grip to this rock and just hold on for dear life, or I can drag myself up this face of undetermined height with the hope that there will be enough hidden holds to make the feat possible. Coming down is just so easy.

-There was a time you'd let me know what's real and going on below but now you never show it to me do you?
-I'm happy if you're happy but it breaks my heart.
-What's left to lose? I've done enough, and if I fail, well then I fail but I gave it a shot. And these last three years, I know they've been hard, but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even if it's alone.


music stirs emotions, the lyrics double the power.

I need help.

It's interesting that amidst all of this turmoil in my life, I seem to be so peaceful. At least I have not freaked out like I normally would. It's this random time in the morning in which I suddenly feel so compelled to write that I feel like I should be published or something. I think that this is the equivilent of being drunk for me. I love you man. Really though, I keep searching deeply and finding just how stationary I have become, then I try to tell myself that I shouldn't be and that I'll change, and then I never do... at least I haven't yet. I keep telling myself that I'm finding inspiration in things like movies, and lost friends. It apparently isn't all that true.

Here's where I want to be: This is life, what am I waiting for. Why do I have so many reservations and why do I worry all of the time? What is the point of all the wasted time?

I guess it comes down to balancing out who I really am. Is that possible? It sure seems to be a slow process.

I love how I feel so crappy when I'm alone, and yet in order to get the motivation to get out, I have to overcome the very depression that I'm leaving to overcome, therefore negating the whole point of leaving in the first place.

Wishes and desires have become apparent and yet still unobtained.

I'm weird. Sorry.

I realize now that my motives for starting photography are not pure in nature, I miss the compliments and now I've an art form that is really just a glorified way of fishing for praise.

I realize how much I really do live in the past, and then when something wonderful happens I am unable to appreciate how wonderful it is. Like a dear friend finding a great source of happiness and me still bitter about things which were never offensive to begin with. Ambiguous enough?

I think that in a lot of ways I've given up. I can honestly point to multiple areas of my life where I have failed and had the intention of trying again, then just gave up. Stopped trying. It's almost like I'm trying to move on, but everytime that I look back on my life, I only have regrets or wishes to change the past, which I'm sure that I can do if I try really hard.

Basically I'm jealous. Of other people's happiness, or their talents, or their position. I feel jealous and then I get bitter, then I supress the bitterness instead of talking it out, which I should, so it builds and festers inside and then I write in my blog or my blue notebook. It doesn't change anything. Even talking it out wouldn't help if I didn't do anything about it. Which I never have. I don't have the guts to stand up to someone and say "I feel wronged, help me forgive" I place all of the blame on myself and let it consume me.

So that's where my depression comes from. It's real. It's ugly. It's hidden. It only seems to show up at this time when I'm alone. I wish that this could be cured with a helpful friend or a stern letter from someone who cares. I appreciate those things more than I can say, but this change has to come from the inside.

So now what do I do? I break the cycle and make life worth living every minute of every day. I think that I've tried that before and failed. Now I think that I've given up.

So how do I break a cycle?